The non-mommy mommy blog

Being an unwed, childless, 35 year old is weird. I always feel that there is no place for me to exist this way.
I am not a mother and cannot relate to the daily struggles and joys that go along with that.

The internet is the greatest reminder of who I am NOT. I can't relate to the abundance of mommy blogs, back to school photos, or body positive blogs from women who have learned to embrace their post-baby body.
This entire world of women my age, including most of my friends, have a shared experience that I don't get to be a part of.

Honestly, I don't WANT to be a part of it. The decision to not have children was conscious and deliberate. I don't at all feel selfish for making the most responsible decision I could with the information I have (mostly about how I am selfishly unwilling to allow any sort of messiness or chaos into my living space and how sometimes I get moody and don't want to talk to people for days at a time). It is inappropriate to say "Once you have kids.." or "You'll change your mind.." This is where I am and this is the place I live.

I respect mothers (and fathers) and the work that is required to keep children alive. It is a HUGE responsibility to raise children to be the actual future of this world. SHOUTOUT TO TEACHERS! In fact, the most important factor I consider when voting is the education of our youth. I care about our children and I care about the world they will make.

But that doesn't mean I want one around me all of the time. I like children, generally speaking. I know some amazing children who bring me actual joy every time I am with them and they invite me into their world. I spend my time with smart, adorable, independent and clever kids and not once have I ever considered having one.

I go to sporting events and birthday parties and I actively check in with my mom friends and make plans that include their children. I do it because I enjoy it - but also because I feel sort of guilty. It's like I am making up for the fact that I made a "selfish" decision by not having kids so I have to prove that I do really like them. It's my way of relating to the world without being an active part of it.

So what do I do? I don't know what to do because internet searches only bring me to blogs and articles about women who CAN'T have children. There is a tiny space for women my age who willingly choose to not procreate - so small that I am unable to find a space where I can belong, freely and without judgement, somewhere I can exist as an equal.

It's okay to not have kids. It's okay to choose not to have kids. It is NOT selfish to not have kids. I am not less of a woman and I am not selfish. I do not have more money and I do not have more time because I don't have kids. I spend my money differently and I find ways I feel are useful with the time I am given, the same amount of hours in a day as everyone else on this earth.

It seems that there are two boxes women get put into: "Moms" and "Others". One box is no better than the other. There is no need for comparisons. Everything is subjective and specific to the person living that life. We all do our best. Being a woman is hard enough, let's stop making it harder by judging each other for the decisions we make in our lives. It's awesome being a woman - let's come into our power, TOGETHER.

I guess what I'm saying is: Make some space for us...please? There's enough room for both boxes. And more.


I can't GET OUT OF THIS CRAMPED SPACE right now,

Sara <3

The sister of cancer

Fuck cancer fuck fuck fuck.

Fuck.

When you're the sister of cancer, those are the words you want to say. What you actually say is some supportive and positive generic bullshit sequence of lines that are so inconsequential that you will never remember them.

The second thing that goes through your mind is "I wish it were me".

Everything feels inconsequential yet enormous all at once. I cried putting gas in my car. I was mad I had to do it because I loathe it unnaturally. Then I cried because I felt guilty that I have a car and places to go that I am able to do such a task and I'm terrible for even being mad about such a thing.

There are bigger things in life. Like cancer.

My brother has cancer. A rare one. Leave it to my brother to be the special snowflake and get the rare cancer. It's in his abdomen. A series of seriously unfortunate events and the removal of a tumor and we have ended up in the exact opposite place any of us ever thought when my brother originally complained of stomach pain.

Yet here we are. We each have a role to play, all of them seem harder than having the actual cancer sometimes. My sister the nurse, my mom the nurturer, my dad the pragmatist. Cancer is not just a disease. It's a way of life. It's the knot you carry in your gut everyday, it's the sad song you always cry to because now it has more meaning than you ever thought it would. It is the way you drive extra carefully to ensure nothing happens to you because your family cannot take any more bad news. It is the constant cooking and baking you do because following tasks right in front of you without any more thought seems to be the easiest way to fill your time.

My brother has one major job - to follow a treatment plan. His job is to get better and eventually be in remission. When you're the sister of cancer, you are not allotted a job but you feel like you need one. So you go to work and text your family while they are at doctor appointments to make sure you know everything thats going on. You then have to update all of your coworkers and friends about that status and try to maintain composure so you don't make anyone feel uncomfortable. You're always aware of how other people act around you once they know. Then you come home and cook for your family because they haven't been home and when they get home they will be too tired to cook because they have spent hours/days/weeks at hospitals. Then you read on the internet about the doctors and the hospital and the treatment for the hundredth time. Then you clean your house because you're still living - or at least going through the motions. Then you cry. You cry in the shower and you cry on your way to work and you cry because its been the natural reaction of your body for months now.

My brother has the worst job of all. So much of it is out of his control. His body and the miracles of modern science have to work together to get him in remission, my brother is just the vessel that has to remain strong enough to get through it. It's fucked up and unfair. No job is a good job because cancer is literally the worst. But if you're not the sick one and you don't go through the treatments, there is a very distinct feeling of helplessness that is impossible to replace with any other feeling.

We are struggling. We are struggling to accept why the universe or God or whatever divine presence exists, has bestowed this fate on such a good person in this world. We are struggling to define our roles and how we can best help my brother. We are struggling to figure out how to help and support each other. We are struggling with our faith - either in god or science. We are struggling with enjoying life. The devastating irony is that when cancer hits so close to home, you TRULY realize how valuable life is and how important it is to live it to the fullest, yet you feel guilty even trying.

I looked up quotes about strength and faith and read inspirational stories, searching for something to speak to my heart and give me some words to carry with me. What I came up with is "FUCK CANCER". Because, seriously, fuck it. I'm going to be angry because cancer does not get my sympathy and its not something you get through because it is always there, even in remission.

Being the sister of cancer sucks. But being the sister to my brother, Ronnie, is the best, most fun job there is. He is charming and witty and handsome (ugh don't tell him I said that) and smart and thoughtful and a legit dungeons and dragons type of nerd. He can be condescending and a little bit of a hermit and he is pretentious with his tastes in whiskey. He flies kites and searches the stars in his telescope and loves fantasy. He is a really good part of this world and one of the biggest most important parts of my world. I am overwhelmed with sadness and grief, my heart hurts. There is nothing in the world that I love more than Ronnie. My family is everything that I am.

So I will do a job, and I will cry, and I will grieve, and I will laugh and I will smile. Because I'm Ronnie's sister. And Fuck Cancer.

I can't...right now.

Sara <3

I'm sorry for being a jerk

Sometimes I'm an asshole.

A few months back, a relationship that I was deeply involved in ended, for reasons I still don't know to this day. It made me bitter and sad for months and months. The not knowing. We all tend to hate it. Everyone wants some sort of "closure"...but it's never really closure. It's just the truth that we think we need to hear to justify our hurt. In this particular case, I had no closure and lots of resentment. That resentment fueled me to the big wide world of online dating. So my last boyfriend didn't want me? Well then let me find someone who does in order to justify my existence and prove that I'm worthy and that my ex is wrong.

Well...I found lots of men who tried to do that. Some nice guys, some arrogant guys, some perverted ones and some super needy ones. I went out all the time. I was texting and talking to so many men that I could barely remember what they looked like. I thought about my ex almost every day. If he could only see how many people found me attractive or smart, he would feel like such an asshole for leaving. 

I played with the feelings of these men in a very shallow way. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself for seeking validation through someone else's feelings. I know better than that! I am a huge advocate of self-acceptance as our one true love. I did all of this...and my ex didn't even know it...nor would he have even cared.

Love yourself. Every.Fucking.Day. It's one love that will stand the test of time. I have some hiccups with that theory, sometimes it's a battle that's fought uphill while wearing uncomfortably high heels. But I would rather have my feet hurt than hurt someone else.

I can't WAIT TO REACH THAT MOUNTAIN PEAK right now.

Sara <3

An open letter to ANY man who tries to bring me down

This evening I had a man tell me I was 15 pounds away from being his dream girl...

Yes, you read that correctly. 

I am clearly an idiot magnet.

Yeah, I look the exact same as when I met you less than a month ago. I looked phenomenal a month ago. I still look phenomenal.

I am not a stick thin girl. I will never ever be that. I am perfectly fine with that. I have busted my ass to lose almost 60 pounds and I'm proud of my body and the transformation it has made and I am finally comfortable with it. Yes, I have fat days and sometimes I am bitter about the size of my ass, which never seems to get smaller.

This body of mine teaches Zumba three days a week and does pilates, yoga and kickboxing. I carry babies on my hips, the groceries all in one trip on my arms and sometimes the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am fortunate it has not let me down so far. 

If you bothered to get to know who I really am, instead of what I look like, you would know how proud I am. I can lose 15 pounds. I can lose a million pounds. But right now, who I am and what I look like, someone out there can fall in love with.

And you sir, will have a relationship as shallow as you.

Keep dreaming.

I can't WAIT TO DELETE YOUR NUMBER right now.

Sara <3

The Beautiful People

Sometimes, I hate how I look. 

My nose is too big

My chin is too pointy

My profile looks like a cave man

My hair is a constant battle of frizz

My hips constantly declare war on my pants

I have had the same issues with myself since I became aware of how I looked. Too much of my life has been spent wishing I had straight hair or thin, long legs or full lips. Media tells me I should be comfortable with how I look but they still have stylists to make things look better and they airbrush already thin and lovely looking women. 

So what is it? I should be comfortable...but still try to emulate what I see in magazines or on television?

Those people are paid big bucks to look that way and they have countless resources at their disposal. If it were easy, everyone would be a model.

Charlize Theron was PRAISED for looking less attractive for the movie "Monster" when in reality she was made to look that way so she looked more like the person the movie was based on. It's okay to "play" unattractive but it's not okay to "be" unattractive. (Related: Charlize IS gorgeous)

This is not what I want my world to be. I have a younger cousin who bleached her hair, wears heavy makeup and fake eyelashes, all before she can even drive. For what purpose? We, as a society, say it all the time: We need to raise better kids. Yes, we do. However, we also need parents who aren't caught up in societal standards just as much as their children are. And we need to raise kids who value respect and hard-work instead of looking pretty and trying to become "Vine Famous" or some other equally ridiculous celebrity status. Do something good to garner the right kind of attention, there, kiddies. 

I had a terrible hair day. Total junk. It didn't cooperate, as per usual. I looked in the mirror this afternoon and thought, "Ugh! This Damn Hair" and threw it up in a ponytail, again, as per usual. But you know what else I did today? I motivated women to do Zumba for 60 minutes today. I encouraged women to keep trying and do their best and love their bodies. My hair was the last thing on my mind. 

And shouldn't it be like that? Lifting others up while also lifting up ourselves, regardless of what brand we are wearing or where we get our hair done? (Related: I love shopping Target "boutique")

It's okay to be proud of yourself and take pride in your appearance and your HEALTH (I will not say be proud of your body, since I think you shouldn't be proud of what it looks like so much as what it can do for you, the benefit is that it also LOOKS healthy) and it's okay to want to look nice. I enjoy looking nice. I can understand why people want to look nice. I APPRECIATE people who look nice. 

But look "your" nice instead of the version seen in media. Even more importantly, ACT nice, because it certainly reflects outwardly.

The issues that I have with myself will never go away. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will always have a pointy nose. The older I get, however, the more comfortable I am with myself. As I start to get gray hair I realize the more important things are how I spend my day and how I make other's feel. It's a very beautiful feeling to make someone else feel beautiful. 

Make someone feel beautiful, even if it's just yourself. Accept yourself. And hey, accept your neighbor. They are their own kind of beautiful, also. 

I can't THINK YOU'RE ANY MORE WONDERFUL right now,

Sara <3

For My Sister

Dear Sister,

I have loved you since you were born. I have fallen more in love with you every day of our lives. Even when I couldn't stand you, I also couldn't have loved you any more. We have shared a room and then our own place practically our whole lives and now that you are leaving I feel like a giant piece of my heart is breaking away and leaving with you. I know that you need to move away and be free and start a life that makes you truly happy. You deserve those things. You earned those things. But I also selfishly don't want to be so far from you. 

We couldn't be any more different. Many times in my life I wanted to be like you, young and beautiful and carefree. You couldn't back down from a dare. You played football with the boys. You spoke your mind and you were never afraid to be just you. I'm sure having a nerdy, sarcastic sister wasn't always easy and sometimes I think maybe you felt my shadow loom over you. But it never did. You always shone brighter than anything I've ever seen and will likely ever see. 

We didn't share many secrets and led different lives for many years. Even then, I knew that if I had nobody, I would always have you. Today, I know that I don't need anybody else if I have you. You have  been many things for me when I felt lost. My younger sister, providing wisdom and insight beyond her years. Words would be insufficient to express your impact on my life. 

Although many states will separate us, just know that a part of me is going with you and will guide you and protect you whenever you need it. 

You are my favorite person and  I already miss watching Brain Games with you. 

Thank you for some of the best memories of my life.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY AND right now,

Sara <3

My dad is kinda cool

I type this from an airplane on my way home...via Pittsburgh Airport. I can safely say not many people travel TO Pittsburgh. My flight is pretty sparse and I get a window seat and the empty seat next to me. I'm so spoiled. 

I'm flying home on Father's Day so maybe that is why I have noticed all the fathers in the airport and on my flight. There was a father sitting next to me and his family was across the aisle. He wanted a window seat and decided to move to an empty seat. I asked his wife if she thought her husband would like to switch seats so he can still be by them and she said that he would probably prefer to be away from the kids and she will let him this time because it's Father's Day. 

I politely laughed but I thought to myself...Shouldn't he want to be by his family on Father's Day? Is that not the purpose? Since when did these type of holidays mean that you get time away from the people you love and the reason you are able to celebrate? 

My father has a giant heart and his best times seem to be when he is around his family. I actually see him THRIVE in settings where he is around the people he loves the most. He would never think to not spend time with us on this day. 

As part of the daily festivities, there will be dinner at my parents' house followed by dessert at my uncle's house, where we will celebrate all the dads in my family. As annoying as they can all be sometimes (Yes, dad, I got my oil changed...thanks for the reminders EVERY time I talk to you), I am supremely proud of every many in my life. Through their faults and their strengths, they have taught me some of my most important life lessons. With some of the types of men out there, I am reminded regularly of how fortunate I am.  

On this day, its easy to remember why we love our dads. Let's try to always remind them, because as we get older so do they. And today, tomorrow, months from now, remember this and the reasons we love them...and let them know. 

I can't WAIT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY DAD right now,

Sara <3