Being an unwed, childless, 35 year old is weird. I always feel that there is no place for me to exist this way.
I am not a mother and cannot relate to the daily struggles and joys that go along with that.
The internet is the greatest reminder of who I am NOT. I can't relate to the abundance of mommy blogs, back to school photos, or body positive blogs from women who have learned to embrace their post-baby body.
This entire world of women my age, including most of my friends, have a shared experience that I don't get to be a part of.
Honestly, I don't WANT to be a part of it. The decision to not have children was conscious and deliberate. I don't at all feel selfish for making the most responsible decision I could with the information I have (mostly about how I am selfishly unwilling to allow any sort of messiness or chaos into my living space and how sometimes I get moody and don't want to talk to people for days at a time). It is inappropriate to say "Once you have kids.." or "You'll change your mind.." This is where I am and this is the place I live.
I respect mothers (and fathers) and the work that is required to keep children alive. It is a HUGE responsibility to raise children to be the actual future of this world. SHOUTOUT TO TEACHERS! In fact, the most important factor I consider when voting is the education of our youth. I care about our children and I care about the world they will make.
But that doesn't mean I want one around me all of the time. I like children, generally speaking. I know some amazing children who bring me actual joy every time I am with them and they invite me into their world. I spend my time with smart, adorable, independent and clever kids and not once have I ever considered having one.
I go to sporting events and birthday parties and I actively check in with my mom friends and make plans that include their children. I do it because I enjoy it - but also because I feel sort of guilty. It's like I am making up for the fact that I made a "selfish" decision by not having kids so I have to prove that I do really like them. It's my way of relating to the world without being an active part of it.
So what do I do? I don't know what to do because internet searches only bring me to blogs and articles about women who CAN'T have children. There is a tiny space for women my age who willingly choose to not procreate - so small that I am unable to find a space where I can belong, freely and without judgement, somewhere I can exist as an equal.
It's okay to not have kids. It's okay to choose not to have kids. It is NOT selfish to not have kids. I am not less of a woman and I am not selfish. I do not have more money and I do not have more time because I don't have kids. I spend my money differently and I find ways I feel are useful with the time I am given, the same amount of hours in a day as everyone else on this earth.
It seems that there are two boxes women get put into: "Moms" and "Others". One box is no better than the other. There is no need for comparisons. Everything is subjective and specific to the person living that life. We all do our best. Being a woman is hard enough, let's stop making it harder by judging each other for the decisions we make in our lives. It's awesome being a woman - let's come into our power, TOGETHER.
I guess what I'm saying is: Make some space for us...please? There's enough room for both boxes. And more.
I can't GET OUT OF THIS CRAMPED SPACE right now,
Sara <3
