Life Hangover

I've been doin' some thinking. Too much, really. I get that way sometimes. One small thing will trigger days of me overanalyzing and rationalizing my life up to this point. I'm in pretty deep right now.

The other day I told my friend I have felt like I've lived 100 lives. I have been in long-term relationships, I have had different jobs and lived in apartments and houses with friends and boyfriends. My life has changed in so many ways, both good and bad, and it's not often I stop to think about it. I'm too busy being strong and moving on that I can't think about the past and admit my mistakes. I try to avoid any unpleasant emotion. It's one of my biggest character flaws.

I think about the boyfriends I have had, which, if I'm brave enough to admit, has been far too many.

I lived with a man and bought a dog with him and went on family vacations. He was another appendage and I couldn't function without him. Things happen and relationships become more work than bliss and we broke up. I didn't eat for days, I couldn't go to work, I did not want to admit how much my life would change. And it did. A lot. After awhile I trained myself to see all the flaws in our relationship so that I could move on. This tactic is not fair to anyone, especially me, who invested years into a relationship. Once enough time had passed, I allowed myself to remember some good times, because there really were. The hardest part about the relationship was the dog that I became sole guardian of. Now, she is the one thing in my life that has kept me going at times and I think I would live that relationship again just to have her.

I had a boyfriend in the Navy. I fell fast and I fell hard. I knew from pretty much the beginning that he would have to go to Afghanistan but I didn't think that would be a problem. Gone for a year when we would have so many more years ahead of us seemed inconsequential. We planned on getting married and maybe starting a family. A year can go by very slowly or in an instant. Either way was not fast enough for me. The longer you are away from someone the easier it is to disassociate your feelings from that person. And since I'm so good at not facing my emotions, it was too easy for me to end things. I still deal with the repercussions of that relationship and it haunts me at times. So when I'm feeling mopey and want to make myself feel worse, I think about this relationship and how different my life would be now and wonder if I'm better off. Sometimes when I have days like these, I'm not so sure. Other times, when my head is clearer, I can see why I made the decision I did.

My last relationship was by far the biggest disaster that can happen to a poor heart. He didn't want to get married, he had kids so I had no pressure to have any of my own. He had in spades what my other boyfriends did not have: passion. This relationship was full of flaws, wrapped in a very beautiful and intriguing package. I don't know why girls always want to change men. Maybe "change" isn't the right word, it's more like we want to be the one girl that a guy will change for, without us actually doing anything other than love them. I blame it on movies and books. I am this girl, I've recently realized. I loved him without expecting anything in return and I gave and gave and gave. Everything I did was to prove I was worthy of his love. And in the end, it wasn't enough, which, had I been honest, I would have known would happen. It hurts the ego more than the heart when someone doesn't want what you have to offer. It hurts the heart, too, don't get me wrong. But my ego is what kept me going when I knew long ago that I would never be appreciated for who I was.

Each memory of these relationships has brought me to such different places in my mind that I can barely recognize the person whose hands are on this keyboard. I am suffering from a "life hangover", overindulged on memories and moments in time that sometimes nothing can make better. And sometimes, a text from a friend who thinks you're amazing no matter what mistakes you have made, is all it takes to pull you from inside your own head, and remind you that you are worthy of love...and mistakes.

I can't NOT LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES right now,
Sara <3

So What! Wednesday

Today is only Wednesday...

So what if I'm a little bitter that it's only Wednesday? It is sad to me that I live through the weekdays just to get to the weekends. "Everybody's working for the weekend..." That song hits right on point right now. (Oh my gosh did I really just say that?) I want to be someone who lives every single day to the fullest, not just the weekends. This is much harder to do with things like "responsibilities" and "bills". Maybe if we started calling them something better I wouldn't mind so much. I might start calling my bills "fun receipts".

So what if I'm wearing all black today? I had a client tell me that I "look nice in all black." I can't determine if that's a compliment or he was indicating I looked morbid. Good news, though. I don't even care. I read an awesome quote that went something like, "Women who wear black lead the most colorful lives" and that I can definitely deal with.

So what if I don't watch a single reality show on the regular? Everyone around me seems to get pretty excited about watching strangers fall in love in front of a camera. I have caught random episodes of when watching TV with people, but I have not followed a reality show since the second season of Jersey Shore (and for that I think I may be scarred). I just can't get into them because I have a very small concern for what other people do with their lives unless it affects me. Plus, I cringe when people miss a perfectly good set up for sarcasm. Can I get a few jokes, The Apprentice?

So what if I have listened to "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake on repeat for three weeks straight? Hellooooo? Justin Timberlake. Totally justifiable. Related: my boss asked for a new hair style and I suggested Timberlake's new 'do. Although his hair was a bit too short for it, guess who's rocking the suave side slick?

So what if I'm going to listen to JT again right now?

I can't even HANDLE THE HOTNESS LEVEL COMING FROM MY SPEAKERS right now,
Sara <3

Firm in my decision

Yesterday I spent the day with a house full of children.

Yesterday confirmed my decision that I do not want children.

Being 30 years old, I always get asked if I'm married or have children. After I answer both with a firm "No" I sometimes feel a little bit judged. It seems that people, "people" meaning "society" expects that I should have both by this time. I have a boyfriend and every time I am with family, I am always asked if I'm going to get married. My honest answer is also no. I'm completely okay with this decision. I do not feel compelled to give in to the societal norm.

Am I completely against marriage? I don't know. I guess I'm against what it is supposed to mean, that I finally have my life together and I'm complete in some way. But I can have those things without the sanctity of marriage, which let's be real right now, isn't very sanctimonious in these days.

Although I'm comfortable with never getting married or having children, I am not at all comfortable with people telling me "You'll change your mind." Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't ask anyone if they regret having their children and ask if they've changed their mind, because that would be unacceptable. So let's just agree to accept each other's decisions. Mmmkay?

I have freedom to do what I want. I make decisions based on what I want and I can buy a pair of shoes without worrying if I need to get my children shoes first. Yes, it's selfish, and I can fully admit that. I am not selfish with my love or affection with people, and that makes me feel okay about this aspect of myself.

I respect anyone who is married and has children and is happy with their lives. Actually, I'm in full support of having children and raising them to do great things in this world. I'm not sure that's why everyone does it, though, and, therefore, I don't need judgement from them.

I am okay with where I am in my life. It might be a different path from yours, but it's a good one for me. If I change my mind one day, it's because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. And if I don't change my mind...I'm going on lots of vacations.

I can't BE ANYMORE THANKFUL FOR MY SHOES right now.

Sara <3

So What! Wednesday

So what if my first blog post is on a Wednesday?! I have to start somewhere and this seems like as best a place as any other. It serves as a first post but in an easier format than a regular blog post. Yeah, I'm totally taking the easy way out. Sometimes I do that. Who doesn't want things to be easy? I'm not saying I avoid things that are hard. I'm just saying if there is an easier way to do it, I will do it that way and then giggle about how smart I am. If you like the hard way, we might not be able to be friends. I mean, I won't hate you but you probably won't like my fresh-baked, straight out of the box mix, cupcakes.  So what if I ate hummus, pasta and meatballs and cheesecake today? Sure, my pants will be angry about it tomorrow. But I sure enjoyed it today. I'm also probably going to regret it tomorrow. Yeah, I regret stupid things like that sometimes. So what? Don't we all? Damn, I kind of regret it now because I know I have to go to Zumba tomorrow and I'm already feeling lazy about it. I also kind of want more hummus. So what? I'm still a rockstar.... Sorry, every time I type that, P!nk comes to mind and it takes over. So what if I didn't wash my hair today? The curse of curly hair! And yes, I think it is a total curse. I can't have cute haircuts because they are all for straight hair or for people with curly hair who actually take the time to straighten their hair. From the immortal words of Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time fo dat." And I sure 'nuff don't. Plus, it's been snowing/raining/hailing/stealing my soul outside in this dreary weather so even if I took the time, it would get funky within 30 seconds outside. So I don't wash my hair every day. If I'm suuuuper lucky, I can hold off for 2 days. Okay, by the end of that time it gets a little ferocious but by then I'm already home and the only witness is my dog, Katie. And if she's judging me, I don't know about it.  I can't BELIEVE I MADE MY FIRST BLOG POST right now, Sara <3