I've been doin' some thinking. Too much, really. I get that way sometimes. One small thing will trigger days of me overanalyzing and rationalizing my life up to this point. I'm in pretty deep right now.
The other day I told my friend I have felt like I've lived 100 lives. I have been in long-term relationships, I have had different jobs and lived in apartments and houses with friends and boyfriends. My life has changed in so many ways, both good and bad, and it's not often I stop to think about it. I'm too busy being strong and moving on that I can't think about the past and admit my mistakes. I try to avoid any unpleasant emotion. It's one of my biggest character flaws.
I think about the boyfriends I have had, which, if I'm brave enough to admit, has been far too many.
I lived with a man and bought a dog with him and went on family vacations. He was another appendage and I couldn't function without him. Things happen and relationships become more work than bliss and we broke up. I didn't eat for days, I couldn't go to work, I did not want to admit how much my life would change. And it did. A lot. After awhile I trained myself to see all the flaws in our relationship so that I could move on. This tactic is not fair to anyone, especially me, who invested years into a relationship. Once enough time had passed, I allowed myself to remember some good times, because there really were. The hardest part about the relationship was the dog that I became sole guardian of. Now, she is the one thing in my life that has kept me going at times and I think I would live that relationship again just to have her.
I had a boyfriend in the Navy. I fell fast and I fell hard. I knew from pretty much the beginning that he would have to go to Afghanistan but I didn't think that would be a problem. Gone for a year when we would have so many more years ahead of us seemed inconsequential. We planned on getting married and maybe starting a family. A year can go by very slowly or in an instant. Either way was not fast enough for me. The longer you are away from someone the easier it is to disassociate your feelings from that person. And since I'm so good at not facing my emotions, it was too easy for me to end things. I still deal with the repercussions of that relationship and it haunts me at times. So when I'm feeling mopey and want to make myself feel worse, I think about this relationship and how different my life would be now and wonder if I'm better off. Sometimes when I have days like these, I'm not so sure. Other times, when my head is clearer, I can see why I made the decision I did.
My last relationship was by far the biggest disaster that can happen to a poor heart. He didn't want to get married, he had kids so I had no pressure to have any of my own. He had in spades what my other boyfriends did not have: passion. This relationship was full of flaws, wrapped in a very beautiful and intriguing package. I don't know why girls always want to change men. Maybe "change" isn't the right word, it's more like we want to be the one girl that a guy will change for, without us actually doing anything other than love them. I blame it on movies and books. I am this girl, I've recently realized. I loved him without expecting anything in return and I gave and gave and gave. Everything I did was to prove I was worthy of his love. And in the end, it wasn't enough, which, had I been honest, I would have known would happen. It hurts the ego more than the heart when someone doesn't want what you have to offer. It hurts the heart, too, don't get me wrong. But my ego is what kept me going when I knew long ago that I would never be appreciated for who I was.
Each memory of these relationships has brought me to such different places in my mind that I can barely recognize the person whose hands are on this keyboard. I am suffering from a "life hangover", overindulged on memories and moments in time that sometimes nothing can make better. And sometimes, a text from a friend who thinks you're amazing no matter what mistakes you have made, is all it takes to pull you from inside your own head, and remind you that you are worthy of love...and mistakes.
I can't NOT LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES right now,
Sara <3
