An open letter to ANY man who tries to bring me down

This evening I had a man tell me I was 15 pounds away from being his dream girl...

Yes, you read that correctly. 

I am clearly an idiot magnet.

Yeah, I look the exact same as when I met you less than a month ago. I looked phenomenal a month ago. I still look phenomenal.

I am not a stick thin girl. I will never ever be that. I am perfectly fine with that. I have busted my ass to lose almost 60 pounds and I'm proud of my body and the transformation it has made and I am finally comfortable with it. Yes, I have fat days and sometimes I am bitter about the size of my ass, which never seems to get smaller.

This body of mine teaches Zumba three days a week and does pilates, yoga and kickboxing. I carry babies on my hips, the groceries all in one trip on my arms and sometimes the weight of the world on my shoulders. I am fortunate it has not let me down so far. 

If you bothered to get to know who I really am, instead of what I look like, you would know how proud I am. I can lose 15 pounds. I can lose a million pounds. But right now, who I am and what I look like, someone out there can fall in love with.

And you sir, will have a relationship as shallow as you.

Keep dreaming.

I can't WAIT TO DELETE YOUR NUMBER right now.

Sara <3

The Beautiful People

Sometimes, I hate how I look. 

My nose is too big

My chin is too pointy

My profile looks like a cave man

My hair is a constant battle of frizz

My hips constantly declare war on my pants

I have had the same issues with myself since I became aware of how I looked. Too much of my life has been spent wishing I had straight hair or thin, long legs or full lips. Media tells me I should be comfortable with how I look but they still have stylists to make things look better and they airbrush already thin and lovely looking women. 

So what is it? I should be comfortable...but still try to emulate what I see in magazines or on television?

Those people are paid big bucks to look that way and they have countless resources at their disposal. If it were easy, everyone would be a model.

Charlize Theron was PRAISED for looking less attractive for the movie "Monster" when in reality she was made to look that way so she looked more like the person the movie was based on. It's okay to "play" unattractive but it's not okay to "be" unattractive. (Related: Charlize IS gorgeous)

This is not what I want my world to be. I have a younger cousin who bleached her hair, wears heavy makeup and fake eyelashes, all before she can even drive. For what purpose? We, as a society, say it all the time: We need to raise better kids. Yes, we do. However, we also need parents who aren't caught up in societal standards just as much as their children are. And we need to raise kids who value respect and hard-work instead of looking pretty and trying to become "Vine Famous" or some other equally ridiculous celebrity status. Do something good to garner the right kind of attention, there, kiddies. 

I had a terrible hair day. Total junk. It didn't cooperate, as per usual. I looked in the mirror this afternoon and thought, "Ugh! This Damn Hair" and threw it up in a ponytail, again, as per usual. But you know what else I did today? I motivated women to do Zumba for 60 minutes today. I encouraged women to keep trying and do their best and love their bodies. My hair was the last thing on my mind. 

And shouldn't it be like that? Lifting others up while also lifting up ourselves, regardless of what brand we are wearing or where we get our hair done? (Related: I love shopping Target "boutique")

It's okay to be proud of yourself and take pride in your appearance and your HEALTH (I will not say be proud of your body, since I think you shouldn't be proud of what it looks like so much as what it can do for you, the benefit is that it also LOOKS healthy) and it's okay to want to look nice. I enjoy looking nice. I can understand why people want to look nice. I APPRECIATE people who look nice. 

But look "your" nice instead of the version seen in media. Even more importantly, ACT nice, because it certainly reflects outwardly.

The issues that I have with myself will never go away. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will always have a pointy nose. The older I get, however, the more comfortable I am with myself. As I start to get gray hair I realize the more important things are how I spend my day and how I make other's feel. It's a very beautiful feeling to make someone else feel beautiful. 

Make someone feel beautiful, even if it's just yourself. Accept yourself. And hey, accept your neighbor. They are their own kind of beautiful, also. 

I can't THINK YOU'RE ANY MORE WONDERFUL right now,

Sara <3

For My Sister

Dear Sister,

I have loved you since you were born. I have fallen more in love with you every day of our lives. Even when I couldn't stand you, I also couldn't have loved you any more. We have shared a room and then our own place practically our whole lives and now that you are leaving I feel like a giant piece of my heart is breaking away and leaving with you. I know that you need to move away and be free and start a life that makes you truly happy. You deserve those things. You earned those things. But I also selfishly don't want to be so far from you. 

We couldn't be any more different. Many times in my life I wanted to be like you, young and beautiful and carefree. You couldn't back down from a dare. You played football with the boys. You spoke your mind and you were never afraid to be just you. I'm sure having a nerdy, sarcastic sister wasn't always easy and sometimes I think maybe you felt my shadow loom over you. But it never did. You always shone brighter than anything I've ever seen and will likely ever see. 

We didn't share many secrets and led different lives for many years. Even then, I knew that if I had nobody, I would always have you. Today, I know that I don't need anybody else if I have you. You have  been many things for me when I felt lost. My younger sister, providing wisdom and insight beyond her years. Words would be insufficient to express your impact on my life. 

Although many states will separate us, just know that a part of me is going with you and will guide you and protect you whenever you need it. 

You are my favorite person and  I already miss watching Brain Games with you. 

Thank you for some of the best memories of my life.

I WILL LOVE YOU FOR ETERNITY AND right now,

Sara <3

My dad is kinda cool

I type this from an airplane on my way home...via Pittsburgh Airport. I can safely say not many people travel TO Pittsburgh. My flight is pretty sparse and I get a window seat and the empty seat next to me. I'm so spoiled. 

I'm flying home on Father's Day so maybe that is why I have noticed all the fathers in the airport and on my flight. There was a father sitting next to me and his family was across the aisle. He wanted a window seat and decided to move to an empty seat. I asked his wife if she thought her husband would like to switch seats so he can still be by them and she said that he would probably prefer to be away from the kids and she will let him this time because it's Father's Day. 

I politely laughed but I thought to myself...Shouldn't he want to be by his family on Father's Day? Is that not the purpose? Since when did these type of holidays mean that you get time away from the people you love and the reason you are able to celebrate? 

My father has a giant heart and his best times seem to be when he is around his family. I actually see him THRIVE in settings where he is around the people he loves the most. He would never think to not spend time with us on this day. 

As part of the daily festivities, there will be dinner at my parents' house followed by dessert at my uncle's house, where we will celebrate all the dads in my family. As annoying as they can all be sometimes (Yes, dad, I got my oil changed...thanks for the reminders EVERY time I talk to you), I am supremely proud of every many in my life. Through their faults and their strengths, they have taught me some of my most important life lessons. With some of the types of men out there, I am reminded regularly of how fortunate I am.  

On this day, its easy to remember why we love our dads. Let's try to always remind them, because as we get older so do they. And today, tomorrow, months from now, remember this and the reasons we love them...and let them know. 

I can't WAIT TO SPEND TIME WITH MY DAD right now,

Sara <3

Get Over It. Tips to mending a broken heart...or forgetting about it until it mends itself.

I have dated a lot of men. I have broken up with a lot of men. And I think somewhere in there I have been broken up with. Right now I'm going through a thing, which I think I briefly touched on in a previous post. Anyways, I'm going through this thing and I'm feeling a lot better about it. As I knew I would. My system usually works. I am going to share my tips and I hope it works for you because we could all use any way available to mend a broken heart. If it doesn't work...try throwing a lamp or something. It works in the movies.

1. Go out. Get dressed up, put on lipstick, wear high heels and go out.

2. FLIRT. You don't have to date someone you meet out, but it's reassuring to feel wanted and sometimes all you need to know is that someone finds you interesting.

3. Surround yourself with people who flatter you. Let your friends tell you that you deserve better and that you're worth more and that you're a pretty pretty princess. Repetition is important.

4. Surround yourself with people who will remind you why he's your ex. It's important to have friends remind you of how great you are, but it also helps when you have friends who remind you of the bad things in your ex that you might not be able to see. We tend to over-romanticize things and our friends are there to keep us in check.

5. Go out again. Buy a new outfit and wear it. And rock it. This time, have a good time, not to show off to other people, but because you DESERVE to.

6. Don't think too hard. Don't ponder what could have been, what you could have done differently, what he could have done differently. It's done and it hurts. Don't fix the past. Fix yourself for the future and the many possibilities that lay ahead of you.

7. Remember that "every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end". We have begun again so many times we probably don't even realize how many times we start over in life. And that's a good thing. It's proof that we can. Think about the times something ended...and all the times you got to start over again and prove how brave you are. You are brave. And you can do it.

The most important thing to remember is that you are amazing. There are seven billion people in the world...the universe won't let you be alone unless you want that. 

I can't LOVE YOU ENOUGH right now,

Sara <3

Life Hangover

I've been doin' some thinking. Too much, really. I get that way sometimes. One small thing will trigger days of me overanalyzing and rationalizing my life up to this point. I'm in pretty deep right now.

The other day I told my friend I have felt like I've lived 100 lives. I have been in long-term relationships, I have had different jobs and lived in apartments and houses with friends and boyfriends. My life has changed in so many ways, both good and bad, and it's not often I stop to think about it. I'm too busy being strong and moving on that I can't think about the past and admit my mistakes. I try to avoid any unpleasant emotion. It's one of my biggest character flaws.

I think about the boyfriends I have had, which, if I'm brave enough to admit, has been far too many.

I lived with a man and bought a dog with him and went on family vacations. He was another appendage and I couldn't function without him. Things happen and relationships become more work than bliss and we broke up. I didn't eat for days, I couldn't go to work, I did not want to admit how much my life would change. And it did. A lot. After awhile I trained myself to see all the flaws in our relationship so that I could move on. This tactic is not fair to anyone, especially me, who invested years into a relationship. Once enough time had passed, I allowed myself to remember some good times, because there really were. The hardest part about the relationship was the dog that I became sole guardian of. Now, she is the one thing in my life that has kept me going at times and I think I would live that relationship again just to have her.

I had a boyfriend in the Navy. I fell fast and I fell hard. I knew from pretty much the beginning that he would have to go to Afghanistan but I didn't think that would be a problem. Gone for a year when we would have so many more years ahead of us seemed inconsequential. We planned on getting married and maybe starting a family. A year can go by very slowly or in an instant. Either way was not fast enough for me. The longer you are away from someone the easier it is to disassociate your feelings from that person. And since I'm so good at not facing my emotions, it was too easy for me to end things. I still deal with the repercussions of that relationship and it haunts me at times. So when I'm feeling mopey and want to make myself feel worse, I think about this relationship and how different my life would be now and wonder if I'm better off. Sometimes when I have days like these, I'm not so sure. Other times, when my head is clearer, I can see why I made the decision I did.

My last relationship was by far the biggest disaster that can happen to a poor heart. He didn't want to get married, he had kids so I had no pressure to have any of my own. He had in spades what my other boyfriends did not have: passion. This relationship was full of flaws, wrapped in a very beautiful and intriguing package. I don't know why girls always want to change men. Maybe "change" isn't the right word, it's more like we want to be the one girl that a guy will change for, without us actually doing anything other than love them. I blame it on movies and books. I am this girl, I've recently realized. I loved him without expecting anything in return and I gave and gave and gave. Everything I did was to prove I was worthy of his love. And in the end, it wasn't enough, which, had I been honest, I would have known would happen. It hurts the ego more than the heart when someone doesn't want what you have to offer. It hurts the heart, too, don't get me wrong. But my ego is what kept me going when I knew long ago that I would never be appreciated for who I was.

Each memory of these relationships has brought me to such different places in my mind that I can barely recognize the person whose hands are on this keyboard. I am suffering from a "life hangover", overindulged on memories and moments in time that sometimes nothing can make better. And sometimes, a text from a friend who thinks you're amazing no matter what mistakes you have made, is all it takes to pull you from inside your own head, and remind you that you are worthy of love...and mistakes.

I can't NOT LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES right now,
Sara <3

So What! Wednesday

Today is only Wednesday...

So what if I'm a little bitter that it's only Wednesday? It is sad to me that I live through the weekdays just to get to the weekends. "Everybody's working for the weekend..." That song hits right on point right now. (Oh my gosh did I really just say that?) I want to be someone who lives every single day to the fullest, not just the weekends. This is much harder to do with things like "responsibilities" and "bills". Maybe if we started calling them something better I wouldn't mind so much. I might start calling my bills "fun receipts".

So what if I'm wearing all black today? I had a client tell me that I "look nice in all black." I can't determine if that's a compliment or he was indicating I looked morbid. Good news, though. I don't even care. I read an awesome quote that went something like, "Women who wear black lead the most colorful lives" and that I can definitely deal with.

So what if I don't watch a single reality show on the regular? Everyone around me seems to get pretty excited about watching strangers fall in love in front of a camera. I have caught random episodes of when watching TV with people, but I have not followed a reality show since the second season of Jersey Shore (and for that I think I may be scarred). I just can't get into them because I have a very small concern for what other people do with their lives unless it affects me. Plus, I cringe when people miss a perfectly good set up for sarcasm. Can I get a few jokes, The Apprentice?

So what if I have listened to "Mirrors" by Justin Timberlake on repeat for three weeks straight? Hellooooo? Justin Timberlake. Totally justifiable. Related: my boss asked for a new hair style and I suggested Timberlake's new 'do. Although his hair was a bit too short for it, guess who's rocking the suave side slick?

So what if I'm going to listen to JT again right now?

I can't even HANDLE THE HOTNESS LEVEL COMING FROM MY SPEAKERS right now,
Sara <3

Firm in my decision

Yesterday I spent the day with a house full of children.

Yesterday confirmed my decision that I do not want children.

Being 30 years old, I always get asked if I'm married or have children. After I answer both with a firm "No" I sometimes feel a little bit judged. It seems that people, "people" meaning "society" expects that I should have both by this time. I have a boyfriend and every time I am with family, I am always asked if I'm going to get married. My honest answer is also no. I'm completely okay with this decision. I do not feel compelled to give in to the societal norm.

Am I completely against marriage? I don't know. I guess I'm against what it is supposed to mean, that I finally have my life together and I'm complete in some way. But I can have those things without the sanctity of marriage, which let's be real right now, isn't very sanctimonious in these days.

Although I'm comfortable with never getting married or having children, I am not at all comfortable with people telling me "You'll change your mind." Maybe I will, maybe I won't. I don't ask anyone if they regret having their children and ask if they've changed their mind, because that would be unacceptable. So let's just agree to accept each other's decisions. Mmmkay?

I have freedom to do what I want. I make decisions based on what I want and I can buy a pair of shoes without worrying if I need to get my children shoes first. Yes, it's selfish, and I can fully admit that. I am not selfish with my love or affection with people, and that makes me feel okay about this aspect of myself.

I respect anyone who is married and has children and is happy with their lives. Actually, I'm in full support of having children and raising them to do great things in this world. I'm not sure that's why everyone does it, though, and, therefore, I don't need judgement from them.

I am okay with where I am in my life. It might be a different path from yours, but it's a good one for me. If I change my mind one day, it's because I wanted to, not because I felt like I had to. And if I don't change my mind...I'm going on lots of vacations.

I can't BE ANYMORE THANKFUL FOR MY SHOES right now.

Sara <3

So What! Wednesday

So what if my first blog post is on a Wednesday?! I have to start somewhere and this seems like as best a place as any other. It serves as a first post but in an easier format than a regular blog post. Yeah, I'm totally taking the easy way out. Sometimes I do that. Who doesn't want things to be easy? I'm not saying I avoid things that are hard. I'm just saying if there is an easier way to do it, I will do it that way and then giggle about how smart I am. If you like the hard way, we might not be able to be friends. I mean, I won't hate you but you probably won't like my fresh-baked, straight out of the box mix, cupcakes.  So what if I ate hummus, pasta and meatballs and cheesecake today? Sure, my pants will be angry about it tomorrow. But I sure enjoyed it today. I'm also probably going to regret it tomorrow. Yeah, I regret stupid things like that sometimes. So what? Don't we all? Damn, I kind of regret it now because I know I have to go to Zumba tomorrow and I'm already feeling lazy about it. I also kind of want more hummus. So what? I'm still a rockstar.... Sorry, every time I type that, P!nk comes to mind and it takes over. So what if I didn't wash my hair today? The curse of curly hair! And yes, I think it is a total curse. I can't have cute haircuts because they are all for straight hair or for people with curly hair who actually take the time to straighten their hair. From the immortal words of Sweet Brown, "ain't nobody got time fo dat." And I sure 'nuff don't. Plus, it's been snowing/raining/hailing/stealing my soul outside in this dreary weather so even if I took the time, it would get funky within 30 seconds outside. So I don't wash my hair every day. If I'm suuuuper lucky, I can hold off for 2 days. Okay, by the end of that time it gets a little ferocious but by then I'm already home and the only witness is my dog, Katie. And if she's judging me, I don't know about it.  I can't BELIEVE I MADE MY FIRST BLOG POST right now, Sara <3