A few months back, a relationship that I was deeply involved in ended, for reasons I still don't know to this day. It made me bitter and sad for months and months. The not knowing. We all tend to hate it. Everyone wants some sort of "closure"...but it's never really closure. It's just the truth that we think we need to hear to justify our hurt. In this particular case, I had no closure and lots of resentment. That resentment fueled me to the big wide world of online dating. So my last boyfriend didn't want me? Well then let me find someone who does in order to justify my existence and prove that I'm worthy and that my ex is wrong.
Well...I found lots of men who tried to do that. Some nice guys, some arrogant guys, some perverted ones and some super needy ones. I went out all the time. I was texting and talking to so many men that I could barely remember what they looked like. I thought about my ex almost every day. If he could only see how many people found me attractive or smart, he would feel like such an asshole for leaving.
I played with the feelings of these men in a very shallow way. I am ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself for seeking validation through someone else's feelings. I know better than that! I am a huge advocate of self-acceptance as our one true love. I did all of this...and my ex didn't even know it...nor would he have even cared.
Love yourself. Every.Fucking.Day. It's one love that will stand the test of time. I have some hiccups with that theory, sometimes it's a battle that's fought uphill while wearing uncomfortably high heels. But I would rather have my feet hurt than hurt someone else.
I can't WAIT TO REACH THAT MOUNTAIN PEAK right now.
Sara <3
